No such thing as confusion

I was talking to one of "spiritual adviser's" today. It's funny how those folks KNOW you. and catch you. She caught me twice. Really good.

I was ramblingly trying to explain my current feelings (always an embarrassing conversation) and I guess I kept interjecting "I don't know" after every few statements. Then I abruptly ended with "I think I'm confused.

She struck.

"Did I ever tell you that I was once told that there is no such thing as confusion, there is only not liking your choices?"

(pause. silence)

"and I think you do know."

Damn. her. damn.

No such thing as confusion. Just not liking your choices.
No such thing as confusion. Just not liking my choices.
I am not confused, I just don't like my choices.

What are my choices?

Hmmm. I will have to think about this.

What's real?

I sit at the desk on my day off. Also inauguration day. Which I avoided watching. Not because I wasn't thrilled (quite the contrary, I cried at every picture I saw when I was browsing it on the Internet moments ago) I avoided watching because I was afraid something awful was going to happen because it seems TOO GOOD To BE TRUE.

I have a huge fear of things that are too good to be true; and as I dislike having fears at all, I then try to become critical and untrusting so I will protect myself from getting hurt no matter what happens.

Not how I want to live my life actually.

I do the same with school. I was so thrilled to be in Lynn Andrew's school- but the longer I am in it, the more I try to disprove it. I am afraid I will get very attached to it and the teachings and then will find out it is all wrong.

So this brings up the topic; what is real?? what is right?

Years ago I was told that being a good actor was all about getting the audience to be willing to suspend their disbelief. It could be the most ridiculous play, plot, set in the world but if you could find a way to get the audience to suspend their disbelief, to just pretend for an hour or two hours that maybe this could happen, it was considered a successful performance.

What is real?? Is Obama real? Was Bush? What does that mean? Lynn is certainly a real person.
That which I can see, touch, taste, smell? You can touch an actor. You can touch props and sets and scripts. My eyes have seen some things that others may say couldn't be real. As for taste and smell? Well, I mean technically some say junk food isn't "real" food but I can eat it and taste it, can't I?

Obviously I am having this discussion with myself. My Gemini air energy arguing with the Taurus earth energy I am trying to work with. I have had this discussion many times and with many people. I have drilled people I respect and don't respect about their beliefs and why they have them, how they have them, when they got them. Their answers either satisfy me for the moment or confuse me further.

So what is the point of writing this?

I think I am preparing to be willing.

Willing to be an active audience participant in this crazy world stage and suspend my disbelief.

What is the point of buying the ticket for a play or movie and then sitting there arguing it's very probability? (ironically, I had hoped for a later career as a theatre critic) But I don't want to be the critic; they never seem to really enjoy the show. They are always working. I want to greet each day with an attitude of "Okay, I am willing to let all this happen, trust it all and enjoy the show."

The Velveteen Rabbit was my first and favorite childhood book. I so very much wanted all my toys to become "real." I couldn't get past the magic fairy and the rabbit becoming a "real" rabbit.
Even at five years old, I wanted to know what was "real." I was devasated by the knowledge that my parent's bought my Christmas prsents and Santa wasn't "real."

Only now though, twenty years later do I recall the wise words of the old toy horse. He said that "love" is what makes something "real."

Can that be good enough for me?

I love Lynn Andrew's work. I love the ideas of Obama. I love Santa Claus. I love plays and movies and fairies and bunnies.

Can love really override my analytical, critical, intelligent mind and soften my doubting heart?

Can I substitute "Can this be real" with "can I love this?"

I can try. I am willing to suspend my disbelief and let LOVE rule my mind.

and the plot thickens....

Thanks Giving

As Thanksgiving day moves close, I am sitting at the desk looking out at the rain.
What are we grateful for?
I was driving home from Palm Springs last night when the rain began and I realized my windshield wipers badly needed to be replaced. I moved into the slow lane and trudged from Redlands to Burbank at fifty miles an hour. It would have been easy to get annoyed & irritable but I moved into that Thanksgiving spirit. I gripped the jasper I keep in my car and uttered a little prayer.
"Thank you for my safe car, my new tires.. Thank you for the slow lane, that I can steadily and carefully make it home. Thank you for my new glasses that help me to see in the dark rain. Thank you for protecting me in this vehicle."

My boyfriend & I were watching "Zeitgeist, addendum" the other night. I had the pillow over my head most of the time because it was like, "I know. I KNOW how scary the world is. I know what a tentative spot we are in. I know there is pain and cruelty and greed and scarcity..." but then it started talking "solution" and my head came out from under.
Some guy was saying there is enough "prosperity, abundance & sustainability for all in this world."
Prosperity.
Abundance.
Sustainability.
So on Thanksgiving, I say THANK YOU for my prosperous, abundant, sustainable life.. because why not?? If I can start to believe it, we will all start to feel it, you know??? and Thanksgiving is not just about gratitude after all, it's also about hope.
So say thank you. for your life just as it is and for all it can be.

Namaste~

Sweet. Sassy. Sacred.

Yup. That is pretty much how I have been described by students and friends. Fitting words for a 25 year old yoga teacher/healer I suppose. How did I get myself into this you may wonder? Well, I believe everything (yes, everything) happens for a reason.

Don't believe me??? Then let's chat. In all my work as a student, teacher, apprentice, healer, guide, daughter, sister, friend, enemy, lover, addict and whatever other roles I have played I have found that I am always where I need to be. Through exploring and studying yoga& other spiritual texts, yoga poses, Native teachings, metaphysical healing and fashion magazines I have found tools to more peace, more joy and much less suffering. No matter what is going on or where I am.

Sound good?? You can too.

It takes willingness, commitment, endurance and oh yeah, faith.